Loveday Writing

Write a set of instructions for removing a tiger from your kitchen. (David Inman)**

1. Once you have spotted the tiger, get out of the house as quickly as you can (using an exit as far away from the tiger as possible).

2. Go to a butcher and buy huge steaks, then go to the chemist to buy several packets of strong sedatives or any other medications that could render the animal unconscious or at least into a deep sleep. Return to your house.

3. Crush the sedatives (if they are pills, if they are liquid use a syringe) into the steaks. Crush the sedatives so they are very fine so the tiger doesn’t spot them.

4. Open either the front or back door (depending on where your kitchen is) just a crack. Not too big that the tiger sees your arm but big enough to slip your hand and the steak through. Throw the steaks one by one onto the kitchen floor.

5. Wait patiently for the tiger to notice the steaks and eat them. Keep an eye on the tiger’s progress every few minutes.

6. Once the tiger is sedated, call animal control or the nearest zoo to have them remove the tiger.

 

 

This piece was inspired by this famous scene from The Hangover (2009):

Source: YouTube

 

**Reference: Marsden J 1998, Everything I Know About Writing, Pan Macmillan, Australia.